In today’s Gospel Story (Jn 18:33b-37) Jesus says, “My kingdom is not of this world”. The world is about power, while Jesus’ kingdom is about love and service, letting myself be led beyond my own interests and comfort, through ongoing conversion. Jesus’ Gospel will always be out of place in the world we live in, as is becoming increasingly clear these days. These are some thoughts on the “minority report”, what it seems the Gospel is saying to me at this time and place on my journey, both personally and socially.
Many of us focus on Jesus Christ as a king with great power. We think of power as the ability to make things happen. Yet the power that Jesus shows when he says, “My kingdom is not of this world” is willingly to take and welcome the worst we have to offer, suffer passively in response to what his teachings engender in the world, and come out the other side victorious. So often I think of asking Jesus to fix or arrange this or that. Yet what he has been telling me over the years, which I acknowledge and often keep in the back shelf, does not include planning everything ahead of time, and trying to foresee and control everything that will happen. This is especially true with my current health situation. But it seems that Abba is trying pretty hard to help me move away from this sort of thing, and asking me to let him move me, often kicking and screaming, to accept, even welcome, everyone and everything coming into my life and just deal with it in the grace of the moment, with whatever I have at the time, and go where it takes me.
Fear comes when I feel a loss of control, which is pretty common these days, being poked, prodded, injected, tested, scanned. I keep wondering what is going on, where is it all going, how-when-where the next step will happen. I don’t even like the idea of writing about all this, yet it seems that I can’t not do it. Maybe I’m growing here too. Growth and openness begin to happen when I let Abba bring me to realize I don’t need to have any control. In combat the first casualty is “the plan” because the enemy doesn’t fight the way I want him to with my Plan A, so I have to think of plan B, or C, etc. I’m learning that Plan A just needs to be accepting what is, being myself as I am, going where it takes me, with whatever I’ve got, believing that somehow I’m being led. I’ve been getting a lot of hints lately to do just this — let go.
The phrase “going where it takes me” is an important one to me. Like everybody else, I’m on a journey from God, with God, to God. I’m increasingly aware of this, something for which I am very grateful. I am my own biggest stumbling block as I try to control things around me. Looking back, as happens with all of us, I see my journey at times taking off in unexpected directions, all of which have been bringing me to where I am now. Such is the case with how I ended up quite unexpectedly and suddenly in the Army. Some have been good, others not so much. These days I’m constantly being reminded that the only thing I have control over is my own attitude, how I deal with whatever is going on at any given time. As things unfold I am continually meeting wonderful folks I would not have met if I didn’t have my current situation. The joy and excitement of meeting these folks pretty much outweighs the other stuff that makes this all possible, except maybe trying to find a parking space at the Clinic.
Jesus grew to know who he was and gained a fuller understanding of his mission from Abba, his own journey of “conversion”. All who would be followers of Jesus are called to ongoing and continuing conversion, growth, changing. I think I hope for ongoing conversion in my life. It’s not easy. Jesus brought people together by reaching out to those who are made outcast by other people, systems, organizations, movements. He sided with the poor, the sick, the sinners. I’m learning how important other people are, every person whose life intersects with mine in any way. My relationship with Abba happens only in and through my relationship with others who are also children of Abba, with the people who are in my life near at hand or far away.
The Kingdom of God is about people. I cannot insist that people change how they live, get rid of annoying habits, or do anything at all before I will see Jesus in them and welcome them into my life. If I’m serious about living God’s Kingdom here and now, I can’t claim any conditions whatsoever. Christ asks me to recognize him however he is in my life, to live as he did, accepting everybody who asked him to, and work against systems or programs, anything that create outcasts, names undesirables, or declares any persona as not in the “state of grace, whatever that is. How would I know? He asks me to welcome people into his circle, not keep people I don’t understand away because I don’t like something about them. I can’t use his “power” to support my prejudices. Whether or not I like certain people, every one of us reflects God in our own unique way.
In the Story Jesus also says, “For this I was born and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice”. Am I really listening to his voice, or am I making it up, trying to hear only what I want to hear, hoping that this will make me feel comfortable. What are you saying to me in all this? Abba does not ask me to be comfortable, only really and fully to be present in what is, knowing that God is a verb, and so to keep wandering, wondering, questioning, and letting go of my need to know and control, focusing on that place deep in me where Abba quietly speaks. Just sayin . . .