Steve, some very good writing there. It shows you are taking all this very seriously. You might go a little easier on yourself, though. You reflect God being God in a way that no one else can.
As Paul says, “There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us.
A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other. To one person the Spirit gives the ability to give wise advice; to another the same Spirit gives a message of special knowledge.The same Spirit gives great faith to another, and to someone else the one Spirit gives the gift of healing. She gives one person the power to perform miracles, and another the ability to prophesy. She gives someone else the ability to discern whether a message is from the Spirit of God or from another spirit. Still another person is given the ability to speak in unknown languages, while another is given the ability to interpret what is being said. It is the one and only Spirit who distributes all these gifts. She alone decides which gift each person should have.” 1 Corinthians 12:8-11,28.
Go at your own pace, and keep trying to be open to the Spirit however the Spirit is working in your life. All our gifts, whatever they are, happen for the common good, kind of like the Badge, which exists for the public safety and not for the comfort and convenience of the one who wears it, as you already know so well.
You have tremendous gifts, and it might take a while for you to recognize them. Others already see them. Don’t compare yourself to anybody else. Your best gift is just being you as best you can, and being open to the Spirit in everything and going wherever this takes you.