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So far September has been an amazing month for me. The second week I began an Ignation directed retreat at Manresa retreat house just north of Detroit. A number of things happened there. It began with a very strong affirmation of me that, as I am, I am the ideal person that Abba wants me to be at this point of my journey. Anything that draws me to pay attention to my own weaknesses, of which there are many, is a temptation. Temptations survive only on the power I give them.   

Next both the Director and I felt that I was being asked to live Abba’s healing love with people Abba would bring into my life, just by being my normal self. An insight began to develop that Abba does not send people into my life from someplace else, but brings people into my life because He is with me in my here and now. I thought I knew where and with whom this would happen, but I was way off with that, as I usually am.

Then there arose the notion of welcoming everything that comes into my life today simply because it is of God. Not from God, but of God, a subtle yet for me significant distinction based on God is a verb. There arose also Ignatius’ sense of freedom, not being attached to my desire to control outcomes, an indifference to my ways or my desires of how I want things to turn out. When I celebrated the Sacrament of Reconciliation on the last day of my retreat, the prayer the Jesuit priest, a very kind man, gave me began, “Lord, I am in this world to show Your mercy to others”. In other words, it’s not about me and what I want, it’s about me letting Abba shine through me. This is what my retreat said to me, and is still saying now.

Saturday evening, a few hours after my final session with my Director, I was carrying a bag out to my car when I felt chest discomfort and shortness of breath. Had to stop walking a couple of times. Saturday night passed okay. Sunday morning I felt ok, so I drove home to Avon without incident. Monday morning I didn’t feel well at all. When I had trouble walking the 20 steps to the elevator, I grabbed my go-bag and asked a friend to drive me to the ER. I had trouble walking to his car. When I got to the ER I was tested many ways. I was having good interactions with the staff. I knew many of them because I’ve been called there for emergency ministry. I was feeling ok. After a while folks began to come to my cubicle for brief chats about their family life etc, and I was saying things that surprised me. They made sense, but were not what I usually would say, and I felt were not from me. It was clear to me that good was happening, and I was part of it. I wasn’t causing it, but it was happening. I was kinda happy about that.

That evening I was moved to a room on a floor where I stayed for a week. Wonderful folks there. The same sort of things kept happening. Folks were talking to me about a lot in their personal lives. At times it was emotional for them. Religion rarely was part of the conversation. As the retreat said Abba was working with me and my usual ways and gifts, it seemed to be an asset that I told people I like to be called Frog. It provided many opportunities for chats which went to good places. I watched good people just caring for other people and doing it all with a smile. Watching this was Abbas gift to me.

My ongoing prayer was, “I welcome everything that comes into my life today because I believe it is of you”. I had a very strong sense that I was where Abba wanted me to be so he could bring his love to the people there. The chaplain, also an Army guy, provided good opportunities for us to minister to each other, and it was great. I felt at peace with it all. I would say that my basic attitude through all this has been a joyful peace. During my stay on the floor I developed a low sodium problems well as events of extremely low blood pressure. Generated lots of activity. I ended up encouraging the medical folks, who seemed really to appreciate it. I was finally discharged yesterday late afternoon.

This morning I went back to the Clinic complex for a follow up appointment with a kidney doctor. While in his office I had an extremely low blood pressure event. I didn’t feel anything, the but staff sure picked up on it. All I felt was a joyful peace. This morning I had been praying welcome. They eventually let me drive home, with follow ups and tests scheduled for later this week.

I don’t know how I would have dealt with this all if I had not just experienced the retreat. It provided context for everything that happened, and also helped me realize that I am part of something much bigger than me and my thoughts and interests, as important as they may be. I been experiencing that Abba is a verb and I am part of Abba happening. While in the hospital I had a number of brief but intense prayer experiences as well as others that I do not know how to put into words, but they were most real to me. I wonder a bit about the future, since things seem to be picking up. Not about what’s coming, I think I’ve already had a taste of that in my car experience, and it is good, but how, when, where, it will happen, etc. I’m very much at joyful peace with it all, but friends do not want to hear it. Oh, well .  .  .  I am fortunate to be living in a very good place with wonderful folks. I wouldn’t change a thing. Although I miss having Donny, my Yellow Lab, in my life.